Oh Where, Oh Where has Acknowledgment Gone?

BY K. R. DROBINA

K.R. Drobina is an author, poet, and social worker. A creative from a very young age, motherhood echoed the return of her passion for writing. Through her thoughtfully written words and the penning of her experiences, she hopes that readers feel and connect with the world around them again & are reinvigorated with their own passions.

*Click* I hung up the phone, my conscience screaming at me.  Why did I lie to her? I should have just told her the truth. This is not good. This is NOT good. Maybe she will never figure it out. She will definitely figure it out. Oh no. What have I done?!

Have you ever had one of these moments? It is the kind of moment immediately followed by a sinking, gut realization that what you just did negated all trust that was ever built with someone? This was one of mine. This was also the first experience of its kind in my newly discovered autonomy in adolescent friendships. I was at the monumental crossroads of understanding that I could either choose to be responsible for the implications of my actions on others or ignore them for my own self-preservation. It was a doozy. 

As an adult and now a mother, I commend this pre-teen girl and her parents for how she responded to my lie. Graciously, she called me back moments later. There were no shouts or screams or fighting words. Instead, she sincerely explained to me that my act of lying deeply hurt her, and she did not know how long it would take for her to trust me again. Gut punch. For someone who cares and thrives in relationships, these spoken truths hit like a ton of bricks. While I do not remember the exact details of this lie, I will never forget the life skill I walked away with after that horrid middle school summer. I came away understanding the power held in acknowledging. 

Acknowledging, a verb or action not to be confused with the noun, acknowledgment. For one to practice the power of acknowledging, one must accept, admit, recognize, notice, or declare the truth or reality of whatever is at hand. It sounds rather simple when read in terms of vocabulary; however, I believe it to be a lost virtue among us. Instead, it seems much more common for acknowledging to be replaced with defense mechanisms, misguided egos, empty arguments, historical fighting, and a myriad of other unhealthy “coping tools” that generally destroy relationships. I argue that while we have been losing ourselves behind screens, we have also allowed ourselves to forfeit some of the most sacred and life-giving tools for effective and meaningful communication. 

You know the kind of communication I’m talking about, because I think most of us are on the hunt for it even if we are unwilling to realize or admit it. The kind of communication that builds unbreakable bonds. The kind of communication that meets people where they are. The kind of communication that truly listens to another’s perspective. The kind of communication that asks thoughtful questions. The kind of communication that tells the whole truth. The kind of communication that loves first. The kind of communication that changes the world for the better.

I am not and never will claim to hold all of the magical tools to positive communication, and I am a big proponent of continued learning. I do wholeheartedly believe, though, that by practicing the act of acknowledging, you will reap the benefits of more open, honest, and authentic communication in your conversations and relationships with others. And, who doesn’t want some of these in their life?!  Here are just a few ways the act of acknowledging can transform your relationships and future interactions:

HumilitY

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”  C.S. Lewis

When we choose to acknowledge what has occurred in our relationships, we provide the other party with the opportunity to feel respected, heard, and important. We humble ourselves in the act of acknowledging our missteps when we stop providing excuses, allow our body language to relax into receiving, and provide the other person with the invitation to share their own experiences and perspectives.  Humility is not a white flag, rather the ultimate offering of our own egos for the possibility of reconciliation, restoration, and growth as individuals and as a unit. Can you imagine the types of conversations and connections that may occur if we each stepped down from our own pedestals and gave someone else the floor?

Maturity

“Maturity doesn’t mean age; it means sensitivity, manners, and how you react.” Unknown

Most of the time it feels much easier to run and hide from problems than to face them head on. It’s rare to find people who willingly choose to do the hard thing every time. Making the decision to practice the art of acknowledging often requires us to intentionally step into uncomfortable spaces.

This can mean practicing self-control while we listen and respect another’s perspective even when we do not agree. Sometimes this looks like putting the needs of others before your own in terms of the pace and movement of a relationship. Often, this requires us to face our own mistakes and sincerely apologize for where we have gone astray. When necessary, this may even look like creating healthy boundaries to protect yourself and the other person with the room and time for growth. When we implement these in a respectful manner, we are showing maturity in our acts of acknowledging. 

Ripple Effect

 “The only way we can ever teach a child to say “I’m sorry” is for him to hear it from our lips first.” Dr. Kevin Leman

While the above quote is directly related to parenting, I would venture to say that this mindset can be applied in adult relationships, too. Have you ever noticed that when you make an effort to extend kindness, it tends to have a ripple effect? This applies to how we interact in our relationships and conversations with others, too. 

When we decide to practice acknowledging, we essentially open up the door for others to do the same. It’s as if we give others the permission to set aside their defense mechanisms, egos, and fear, and invite them into a new, safe realm of communication and relationship building. From a parental perspective, this is a revolutionary way to guide our children into becoming emotionally aware and responsible adults. 

I believe this can be true for revolutionizing our adult relationships, too. As we each commit to implementing this with our peers and children, we are active participants in changing the future. Can you imagine a world in which acknowledging is, once again, held as a virtue worthy of attaining?

Challenge: Start practicing the art of acknowledging, and let me know how it goes!