Thoughts from a Reforming Perfectionist
BY KATIE DrobiNA
Katie Drobina is an author, poet, and dreamer. A creative from a very young age, motherhood echoed the return of her passion for writing. Through her thoughtfully written words and the penning of her experiences, she hopes that readers feel and connect with the world around them again, and are reinvigorated with their own passions. You can find her writing on Instagram and Facebook at @katiedrobina.
I remember the first moment I conceptualized perfectionism as a choice. I was five and in kindergarten. We were tasked with coloring an elephant while the teacher worked in small groups. After several rounds of students, it was my group’s turn to join her and show her our coloring work. I walked to her table, eager to move forward with the day. She may have commented on other aspects of my picture, but the only words my tender five-year-old heart heard were, “You need to stay in the lines when you’re coloring, Katie.”
I will never forget that moment. I can still recall the racing of my heart, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment, and my conscious vow to never be imperfect ever again. From that day forward, I decided I would work to be perfect to protect myself.
Throughout the years, there were bountiful opportunities to solidify these choices of perfectionism. While I seemed to breeze through my school years with academic excellence, success in extra-curricular activities, and a steady social life, I was in a constant battle with my brain. I spent so much time and energy thinking and overthinking situations, choices, interactions, etc. Eventually, I taught myself how to create predictable environments in which it would be far less likely to fail.
Spoiler alert: The world is unpredictable. Over the course of nine years, I have moved nine times, welcomed three precious souls into my life, and experienced the many ups and downs of being married to a service member. Anyone who has been through any of these things knows that there is absolutely no predictability guaranteed. Add in all of the events of 2020, and you better believe my poor perfectionist heart kept fighting to create perfect, until I broke. You see, perfect is not achievable--a difficult but important fact for a perfectionist to grasp.
Brokenness is not where this ends, though. When years of walls are shattered and strewn about, choices have to be made. Will we rebuild what was broken exactly the way it was before? OR Will we choose to restore what was broken into something stronger and more beautiful? This time, I chose the latter.
Reader, if you are struggling with perfectionism in your own life, I want to leave you with hope and a few practical lessons I am learning along this journey of reforming my perfectionist ways. After you finish reading, I’d love to chat with you in the comments.
01. Where is your identity?
Is your identity in the outcome or the process? As a perfectionist, my identity was often rooted in the final product or outcome of whatever I was presenting to the world. If this was not perfect or accepted as such, it meant I was a failure. Reforming these perfectionist ways has required me to slow down and consider the process: the roadblocks, the difficulties, the stuck points. Life is not achieved by mastery. Perfectionist friend, if you struggle with this too, please go to The Word. His words speak truth over a perfectionist soul, for He is the only perfect one who can relieve that burden. Here are some of my favorites: 1 John 3:1, Ephesians 2:10, and 2 Corinthians 9:8.
02. Failure is an opportunity
You may perceive your perfectionism as the tool that has allowed you to succeed, but what if I told you it may actually be a barrier keeping you from your full potential? When we set benchmarks that are based on a goal of perfect, we prevent ourselves from the possibility of achieving something even greater. What if instead of viewing setbacks as failures, we allowed ourselves to see them as opportunities to reflect, reconsider, and push forward. Need some inspiration on this one? These are just a few notable people from history who failed before they succeeded: Henry Ford, Walt Disney, Alexander Graham Bell, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Oprah Winfrey, Vera Wang, and the list could go on.
03. Seek counsel
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned along the journey is this: going alone is much more difficult than having someone walk alongside you. Find a trusted person in your life that doesn’t share the same perfectionist lens, and truly sees and accepts you wholly, imperfections and all. Ask them if they would be a sounding board for you as you navigate the brain spaces that have built up perfectionist tendencies throughout the years. They can help speak truth to you when the lies of perfectionism try to drown out the truth. Make sure you allow yourself to be vulnerable and lean into this relationship.
04. Grace with open arms
I don’t know about you, but grace is one of the hardest things for me to accept as a reforming perfectionist. I can hand out grace like candy, but believing it is also given to me feels extremely foreign. Grace is not earned. Read that again. Grace is not earned. There is no level of perfect that you can master for grace to be freely given. Grace is a gift. Gifts are meant to be received regardless of merit or work. Don’t forget to give yourself grace as you walk this new path. As a dear friend recently reminded me, “grace makes room for love and healing.”