How to Find Companionship When You're Lonely

Kyrsten Turner

Kyrsten Turner is a freelance writer and email marketing professional living in Atlanta. She likes to write about life, seeking to create safe spaces where others feel seen through her words. On the weekend you’ll find her trying a new recipe, planning her next trip, or serving at church, often with a hot maple latte in hand. You can connect with her on Instagram @kyrstencturner, where she posts snippets of her life (albeit sporadically).

Loneliness. That word stirs up way more anxiety in my heart than it should. One of the biggest lies I’ve been convinced to believe is that I’m the only person who struggles with this. Everyone else has friends, everyone else has plans on a Friday night, everyone else knows where they’re going for the holiday barbecue... But that’s simply not true. Loneliness can hit all the demographics, and regardless of age, gender, or relationship status, it can creep in on you too. 

I found myself struggling with loneliness a lot at the beginning of the year. Even though I’d attended several holiday gatherings, was back to weekly coffee catch-ups with my girlfriends, and my office was reopening, I still felt alone. I remember scrolling through my phone history and calendar, the number of texts and events telling me I had many friends, but not feeling like I did.

I hated that. Especially when I knew deep down that I wasn’t alone, but my feelings were playing me. So I did a few things to help navigate my emotions. I want to share them with the hope that they’ll help you too. 

Identify the root of your loneliness.

When I was struggling with being lonely, it wasn’t because I was out of friends. I had a lot of friends and many fun things to do. But something was missing that made it easy for those feelings of isolation to creep in. I needed to self-reflect to realize I felt lonely because I wasn’t connecting with others on a deep enough level to feel fulfilled. This emotional loneliness wasn’t about the number of folks around me but about the depth of the conversations I was having. 

Once you identify the root of your loneliness, write down 1-2 things that will help you feel like you have companionship.

When I start to feel lonely, it can be easier to sit in that loneliness than to seek out the comfort of my family and friends. Shifting my focus toward finding the companionship I craved allowed me to take control of what was negatively impacting my life and use my energy in a meaningful way. Maybe you’re like me and you crave deeper conversations with a couple close friends. Write that down. Or maybe you enjoy having a wide circle of friends with big gatherings on the weekends. Write that down. Once you narrow in on what you desire when it comes to friendships, it will be easier to figure out how to fulfill those needs.

Make an effort to consistently accomplish the items on your list.

I want to stop here for just a minute and encourage you around this last step. Consistency is hard! I’ve found it to be even harder when we’re battling negative emotions that weigh us down. If you’re trying to get stronger in the gym or cutting out sugar to lose weight, consistency is what drops the scale, right? A day here and there of making good eating choices isn’t going to undo months of bad eating choices, but weeks or months of good eating choices will. It’s the same way with our emotional health. Consistently practicing habits that help us reach our goals is key. You may need to push yourself outside your comfort zone and phone that friend to catch up, or invite a group out for pizza on Friday, but taking those steps toward the kind of companionship you desire will be well worth it.

My favorite thing about this list is that it’s really a tool to be used over and over. This summer I found my social calendar a bit light, which led to several periods of frustration due to a lack of human interaction. So I pulled out the three steps above and got to work.

• I identified the root of the issue: I was missing meeting new people and finding unique ways to connect. 

• I wrote down a couple ways I could fix this: Join new Facebook groups and engage in conversation, or go to a community event or game night at church. 

• Then I did the thing: I joined two new Facebook groups about topics I was interested in and started conversations with new people. I also attended a community night. I still haven’t gone to game night, but the year isn’t over yet!

Fighting loneliness is hard, and if you’re in that fight right now, you’re not alone. I hope you feel more empowered today to face the struggle head on. Just like other emotions, loneliness will come and go, but with the right tools we can maneuver through it and find the true companionship we crave.