You are Stronger Than You Think: A Letter to My Pregnant Self

BY KAREN MCMILLAN

Karen McMillan is a first time, stay at home mum to her two year old son, Casey, and lives in Oxfordshire, United Kingdom. Karen shares her musings and poetry about motherhood under the alias of @mother_truths on Instagram. She hopes that her poetry provides other mothers with reassurance and solidarity. She is in the process of writing a book of poetry and is seeking a publisher.

If you had ten minutes with your pregnant self, what would you tell her with the benefit of hindsight? What would you quietly whisper in her ear? Some helpful tidbits that would set her off in the right direction. Here's what I would say: 

• Psst, Karen. I know how you enjoy them, but please stop watching all those bloody unrealistic Youtuber mums with their morning routines that will bear absolutely no resemblance to your mothering reality. You will spend months (and expend the little energy you have) trying to achieve these contrived scenarios that might as well have been directed by Steven Spielberg, for they are pure fantasy. There will be no leisurely dolling yourself up for the day and eating flaxseed sprinkled oatmeal whilst your baby naps peacefully in his cot. You'll be out pacing the streets with your pram instead of seeking out certain bits of pavement that seem to lull him over. The fresh air, however, will be a gift to your tired soul. 

• Surround yourself instead with the right kind of noise. The Pinky McKays. The Carly Grubbs. The Kerry Seckers. The Sarah Ockwell-Smiths. The Raising Ziggys. They will tell you things you won't want to hear at first. About how hard it is going to be. But they will speak to you much more deeply than anything you ever read on those mainstream apps that keep telling you all the ways your baby should be behaving. You won't be getting one of those babies. He's what they call velcro. High needs. He's lovely though. Google the fourth trimester. Google the second-night syndrome. 

• I know you are worried about this "instinct" thing that everyone speaks of. Please don't worry. You will have it in abundance, and it will serve you both well. 

• I hate to break it to you, but you are going to wake every two hours for the next two years. "Why don't you just sleep train him?" I hear you ask? You'll feel very differently about that when he is here. Yep, that old instinct thing I was telling you about.

• You will feel like you're having an entirely different experience to all the other mothers you meet who have babies that “sleep 7 til 7” and “eat everything in sight.” You will say to yourself on a daily basis, “Surely I must be doing something wrong.” YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG!

• You will find an unexpected solace from Facebook groups filled with similarly sleepless mums. Yes, you find your tribe, and it's a bunch of sleep-deprived strangers on the Internet. I’m still not sure if that’s tragic or heartening!

• You will at times feel as though life is some sort of endurance test that you're losing. You will get your hopes up at various junctures, convincing yourself that he'll sleep better after three months, after six months, after twelve months. No, once this leap passes, that'll be it. No, once he's walking, it's got to be that. All the milestones will pass, but the wake-ups will not. You will feel forgotten about, as everyone around you begins to enjoy longer chunks of sleep. 

• But it seems they were right. Things don't stay the same forever. You will get the odd reprieve and slowly start to feel like a functioning human being again. Just after his 2nd birthday, he will start to reward you with the occasional treat of five-hour blocks of sleep. You will feel irrepressible on those days. Like you could run for president. Or invent something. I know... 5 measly hours! 

• In the meantime, celebrate the small wins and try not to drive yourself insane by comparing your child's sleep to every single child you set your eyes upon (easier said than done I know). 

• There will be tears. There will be giggles. There will be eyebags. There will be more love than you ever thought imaginable. There will be cuddles. So many cuddles. Soak them up. For one day, something you once felt so suffocated by will be the very thing you miss the most. 

• Be gentle with yourself. You're going to love it, and sometimes hate it. And that's more than ok. You're stronger than you think. I'll see you on the other side.