The Freedom of Being You

BY HEIDI PRAHL

Lover of Jesus, my family, really good coffee, and all things Chicago. I’m a living, breathing paradox.

I’ve spent the better part of my life feeling like I never fit in, the odd one out. Underneath the weight of others’ expectations or trying to live in the version of me others had created in their minds, I never really knew who I was.

I grew up in the shadow of an older sister, who, from my point of view, sought to see me excluded as much as possible. And later, I existed in the shadow of my baby brother…the first boy and the baby of the family. 

I was never the popular one, the smart one, never a cheerleader, never the cool one. There was no group to define me. I always felt awkward and gangly, too tall, too thin, too shy, and too much in my head. While girls my age were worried about clothes, makeup, and boys, I was worried about the residents at our local nursing home who didn’t have many visitors, so I took it upon myself to rectify that by showing up to play Bingo and do crafts with them during my free time. 

In attempts to fit in, I often became everything to everyone I thought might pay me some attention. It goes without saying this was not a successful strategy. 

Perhaps that’s what led to my deep devotion to the church. There’s no confusion there: they’ll gladly tell you exactly who you are supposed to be and who you are not to be. There is praise and recognition for losing yourself and becoming like the most devout members.

But that didn’t last long either. I wanted it to; there was a comfort in being told who to be. But eventually, my head and heart caught up to each other and I limped away from there, more confused than ever about my own identity. 

Maybe it’s me, putting too much pressure on myself. Perhaps it was the way I was raised where there was the unspoken, but very real, cost if you found yourself having differing views or opinions. Of course, no one ever said that, but I often found myself feeling silenced or on the outside when I did speak my mind. 

I’ve spent years staring at the girl in the mirror, not recognizing my own naked body. My reflection didn’t match my heart. My heart didn’t match my actions. I was too afraid to really step into who I felt I was deep inside—the girl that I’d never even allowed myself to know.

I don’t know what changed…turning 40, maybe? The realization that life is coming at you fast, and will you spend another twenty, thirty, forty years…your whole life…not ever really knowing who truly are?

Regardless, I knew it was reconciliation time. 

It started to happen gradually, not one particular thing, but a bunch of small decisions that eventually added up to a path towards freedom. The love of my husband who cheered me on as I started to care less about what others thought and become more true to myself. Stepping away from the church (or any institution that encouraged me to show up as less than my whole self), even if for a season, until I can find a way to go back without losing *me* in the process. Expanding my sphere of influence to include others I’d previously excluded out of fear, people with different beliefs or backgrounds.

The church told me this is dangerous ground. We should seek to lose ourselves. But I began to see that recognizing and resurrecting the girl that God created was a way to worship Him with my whole self. My own faith. Not a version of what anyone else thought my spiritual life should look like. As I stepped into the person God fearfully, wonderfully created, my relationship with Jesus became personal for the first time in my life. Showing up as my whole self before my Creator was scary and freeing all at the same time. 

I won’t lie, this can be a painful journey. Lonely at times. It can be tempting to surrender to your old ways. There’s comfort in being the person everyone expects you to be. There are people who have benefited from the version of you they created; they will not encourage your transformation. 

In this journey, I’ve had to remind myself more than once that it’s for freedom’s sake that Christ set us free. 

I don’t have all the answers. What I do know is that despite what society says, there is no requirement to abandon yourself to make others more comfortable. You don’t owe anyone a version of you that isn’t true to your soul.

I can tell you that I’m learning that there’s room in this world for even people like me, like you, like those who’ve felt like outliers or like we’ve always watched life happen from the sidelines.  

Even if you’ve spent your whole life feeling like there couldn’t possibly be a place for you, I’m here to tell you, there is. When you finally get to the point of unzipping all of the things that are not really you, and stepping out of that, and into the world as your whole self, there’s a spot for you. 

And when you do that, who knows, you might light that spark for someone else, and they might start their own journey toward finding their very own place in this world, too.