Six Ways to Be a Friend Who Feels Like Family.

Nov 9

Written By

BY OMARYS HERNANDEZ

Omarys is the steady and comforting constant always drawing people back to the value of rest, friendship, and Jesus. She is a detail-hugging, lover of all things creative who treasures few things more than sitting across women and nourishing their hearts with courage. When she's not running her non-profit organization, you can find her planning her next adventure, looking for a new DIY project, or getting a good dose of quality time with family and friends. Get to know more about Omarys on Instagram @omarys.h

We live in a world where we carry our social lives as apps on a handheld device, making peace with the empty barrel of friendship we can’t seem to fill. We’ve taught our souls to grow comfortable in the seclusion of isolation. We’ve built a tent in our solitude, raised a flag of independence, and put a lock and key on vulnerability.

Safe.

We’re safe here, where we can dull the ache of what we don’t have.

But instead of comfort and security, our tents of self-preservation have only further dried the campground of connection we all crave. The rhythms of deep relationship and authentic sisterhood that once threaded the lives of our ancestors are now unfamiliar. Uncommon. Uncomfortable.

As a Christian, I can’t help but think of the way the early church modeled community. They didn’t know the leisure of drive-by interactions on a Sunday morning, arms-length small group exchanges, or pre-scheduled coffee dates. Rather, their lives were knitted together in a thick fabric of interdependent relationships. Day in and day out rubbing against one another's flaws, insecurities, and opinions. Showing up for each other. Choosing each other. They lived their lives as friends who became family.

How do we get back there? How do we break the patterns of our wounded isolation and drown individualism? What does it take? What does it cost us? What does it look like?

I’ve discovered a few things about being a friend who becomes family. After a long reclusive season for my heart, I launched myself into every out-of-my-comfort-zone, awkward, why-am-I-here attempt to find people I could really do life with. When the seeds I had scattered finally started to flourish, I realized I had no idea how to navigate a life intertwined with people who weren’t blood related.

Finding people is half the battle. Once we’ve found them, how do we move from the touch and go of superficial conversations and a few scrolls on our six inch screens? Trial, error, and a few acts of courage have taught me a few things.

Choose your people wisely. Family beckons for a level of commitment, investment, and transparency that we can’t afford to give away in bulk. Our hearts aren’t Costco Super Centers. Our time. Attention. Emotional capacity. They are jewels worth preserving, and they don’t come in endless supply. Identify people with similar heart goals and values. People who’ve earned your trust, demonstrated consistency, and are equally committed to cultivating a healthy connection. Let them be your people. Let them become family.
Lay your armor down. We can’t stay inside the fortress of protection, hurt, and fear we’ve built around our hearts and expect to find the close relational dynamics we’re seeking. Ties are strengthened in the caverns of vulnerability as we allow people to see us in our unpolished state and let them be there for us. That means we ask for help when we need it. We allow ourselves to be celebrated, supported, and fought for. So lay your armor down, surrender your habits of self sufficiency and give yourself permission to be seen. Chosen. Known. After all, there are no one-way streets in family.
Actually do life together. I fear we have reduced what it means to do life with our people to the confines of prearranged dinner dates, occasional text check-ins, and care package drop-offs when they are sick. But that’s not family. And that’s not real life. Real life is holding their hair back when they can’t keep food down because disease has uncontrollably struck their body. Real life is showing up on a Saturday to help with that leak in the basement. It’s the joint run to the grocery store on a Monday night. It’s keeping them company while they get an oil change, driving them to the airport, or cheering their kid on at a t-ball game. To be family is to get involved in the nitty, gritty, seemingly mundane and ordinary rhythms of each other’s lives.
Work through conflict. It’s not a matter of if we’ll experience conflict, it’s a matter of when. Sadly enough, many of us have let our professional detachment abilities cost us the longevity of friendship. We cut cords, erase phone numbers, and block Instagram profiles the moment our feelings are slightly injured or a difference of opinion creates friction. We have to be willing to engage in hard conversations and forego our instinct to push each other off the ledge of our hearts when we get hurt. Forgive. Apologize. Listen. Seek understanding. Burn the records of wrong you’re tempted to keep and watch how conflict can breed depth instead of distance.
Have Fun. Few things are worth more than the memories we collect with those we hold dear. Don’t miss out on them at the expense of life’s ever growing demands. Life will get crowded. To-do lists will get long. Plan the trip. Explore that hobby. Try that new restaurant. There is something about experiencing new things together that is nourishing to the soul of family.
Embrace your differences. It’s the ways in which people think, feel, and do differently than us that often fans the flames of distance between us. We don’t know how to reconcile proximity, find safety, and nurture intimacy in the spaces where our approaches to life collide, so we either try to change people or push them away. In reality, it's our differences that have the potential to compliment, edify, and strengthen who we are when we learn to steward them with grace and intention. Stop trying to make them think like you or giving them the cold shoulder when their process doesn’t align with yours. Instead, look for ways you can join forces in those differences to grow, learn, and make life a richer experience.