I Have No Idea What to Say: How to write helpfully to someone you know who has been diagnosed with cancer.
BY ANNE BAILIE
Dr. Anne Bailie is an English teacher from Belfast, Northern Ireland, who loves Shakespeare, family dinners, theatre trips with her husband, daily walks with her dog and long coffees with her friends. She is living with Stage Four metastatic Neuroendocrine Cancer, which is very rare and incurable, but currently treatable.
Sadly, your friend or loved one has just been diagnosed with cancer. You want to write to them, but you don’t have a clue what to say. That is completely normal. Perhaps you’re tempted to wait until you find the perfect card or the perfect words – and so you write nothing. Hopefully, you already believe that writing to someone is an excellent thing to do (I don’t imagine you would be reading the More Love Letters blog if you didn’t), so here are some hints and tips which will, hopefully, encourage you to put pen to paper.
Physical cards and letters really matter: I know that we live in a digital era, but physical cards and letters make a real, positive difference. I sometimes save up a small bundle of unopened or older letters to bring with me on my hospital trips to read and reread while I wait – it feels like those people have accompanied me. I love the physicality of actual handwriting and the beauty of real, analogue post. Due to Covid, cancer is even lonelier than it was before, and letters matter more than ever as a way of staying in touch and bringing encouragement.
Don’t expect a reply: This one is really important. I love writing letters almost as much as I love receiving them, but I still haven’t managed to reply to all the letters I received following major surgery late last year. Not everyone will feel up to replying – or able to reply. You don’t expect a reply from those you write to with More Love Letters; treat these the same way. Whether you get a reply or acknowledgement or not, keep sending; your letters help.
Take the fight out of it: I know that cancer research rightly talks about “beating” cancer – but “fighting” imagery is not necessarily helpful to individuals dealing with cancer, so please avoid martial language in your letters. Don’t mention other people’s cancer journeys – everyone’s journey, like everyone’s life, is different - and don’t offer treatments or “cures”, even if you believe in them. Send your letters only to encourage, not to compare or advise. Finally, avoid any version of, “Sure, I could be hit by a bus tomorrow”; this is not helpful to anyone, ever.
Write about your normal life: In a world which has tilted frighteningly, it is reassuring to read about ordinary, everyday things. Sit down with a coffee and tell them you’re there with your coffee and write about ordinary aspects of your life. Use sensory descriptions and write as though you were chatting to them; those are the loveliest letters to receive.
To get you started: If you don’t know what to say, that is absolutely ok. Try this: “I really don’t know what to say and I have no words to express how sorry I am that you are going through this – but I want you to know that I love you and that I am thinking of you and I am here for you. Love, X.”
Upgrade your letter: You can, of course, send gifts (and please do!), but you can also add embellishments to your letter: A bookmark. A sketch. A photo. A poem. A prayer (if you know they have a particular faith and will appreciate it). A clipping from a paper. Artwork by your child or grandchild. A cartoon that will make them smile. A quotation. If you are artistic, decorate the envelope or create the card yourself. I have received examples of all of the above and truly appreciated every single one.
Plan ahead: It is lovely to hear from someone once – but even lovelier to receive regular cards or letters from that person. Here is my simple, five-step plan to make this easier to do:
1. Purchase six to ten cards for your person (I recommend Etsy). Choose bright images, short, positive quotations or a suitable theme.
2. When you get the cards, address and stamp every one of them.
3. Store them in an easily accessible place.
4. Put dates in your calendar or diary to remind yourself when you want to send each one.
5. When the next reminder comes up, just do it. Write a long letter or just a couple of sentences - both will be truly appreciated - and pop it in the nearest postbox.
The joy of having happy post delivered to me by my husband on the days when I can’t actually get out of bed cannot be emphasised enough.
The power of positive post: Never underestimate the power your letters and cards will have. They carry encoded in each envelope the power of love, friendship, memories and hope. Thank you in advance for writing them all.