A LETTER TO FIRST-TIME MAMAS
BY MARIA VAUGHT
Maria is a wife, a new (stay-at-home) mom, and a psychologist. When she isn't performing daily work, you'll find her enjoying all the baby snuggles, spending quality time with her family and friends, reading, or writing. She believes in the power of words and therefore, writes with the desire to inspire.
Dear Friend,
Congratulations on becoming a mother! Oh, what a spectacular moment; what a joy it is to make it to this point in your life. Wherever you are right now, whether you are still in the hospital just hours into the postpartum journey, home with your newborn, watching your toddler explore the world around them, or waiting for your kid to come home from school, I ask you to pause and take in this moment. You are someone’s mom! While it is truly a special role to step into, there is also no doubt that your world has changed completely. Whether that has sunk in yet or not, no matter what stage of first-time motherhood you are in, there is now a new normal.
Perhaps the new normal even changes frequently. Life is different. It’s terrifying; it's anxiety-provoking. But it’s also beautiful. Precious moments and memories await you. It will be wonderful, it will be hard, but it will also be rewarding.
I wish to let you know now that this piece does not aim to provide any advice on “parenting.” This is a love letter to let you know you are doing an excellent job. It is a piece where you can find solace during the hard days of being a mom. These words intend to encourage and remind you that you are exactly the mother your child needs. As a first-time mom myself, I doubted this plenty of times. I am also not naïve to think there won’t be moments where I will doubt it again. You might be, too, but I am telling you now, you are made for this. You are fully capable. You’ve already shown your strength when you carried your baby for nine months, labored for however many hours, and pushed for half an hour or maybe way more than that.
So please listen when I say you are doing an amazing job.
Yes, you won’t always feel like you are. But of course, you won’t. Motherhood? It’s hard work. It is truly a test of patience, of perseverance, of physical and mental endurance, and of all other things you might not even know you had. You will sometimes feel so worn out. You may even find yourself saying you can’t do this from time to time. I hear you, mama, I really do. Take a deep breath. Then look around. You are doing it! Hear me when I say, it’s ok to feel doubtful sometimes. It’s ok if you no longer feel like the person you used to be. It’s ok if you miss your autonomy. It’s ok if all you can muster some days is to hold your baby. It’s ok if productivity looks different now. It’s ok if you’re looking forward to bedtime.
What isn’t ok is when you let the tiny voices in the back of your head lure you into believing the lies that you are failing at being a mom, at caring for your child, at being human. What isn’t ok is when you allow fleeting moments of weaknesses let you spiral into complete self-doubt, that you end up comparing yourself to every other mother or parent out there. Remember, these are lies. Remember, while social media and the internet make information easily accessible, so are glimpses of someone else’s life that are typically curated and staged to look as perfect as it can be.
Be kind to yourself, mama. As you pour yourself another cup of coffee, pour grace into your heart as well. You need this as much as the caffeine and the extra nap to keep you going. Seek assistance if you must. Rely on your village. They are there to help and asking for help is by no means a sign of inability to be a mom. But I want to reiterate you are the “perfect” mom for your baby. What’s “best” is between you and your child. That gut feeling and instincts? They are most likely exactly what’s right. The right way is the way that works best for you, your babe, and your family as a whole.
It’s ok if you formula feed, it’s ok if you breastfeed. It’s ok if you practice contact napping, it’s ok if you use nap time for chores or to do whatever you please. It’s ok if you co-sleep, it’s ok if you sleep train. It’s ok if you go back to the office, it’s ok if you decide to stay home or work from home. It’s ok if you take your baby with you when you run errands, it’s ok if you leave your baby with a trusted caretaker so you can get a little break. At the end of the day, it’s all about the effort and the love you pour into your baby’s life. That’s what your child will remember as they develop into a more independent person.
My hope is that in the midst of all the changes and chaos, you remember you matter too. I hope you also take care of yourself as you navigate this journey, that you never think meeting basic needs such as eating, and showering is all the “break” you deserve because they are not breaks. They are needs you are entitled to, whether you are a parent or not. I hope you always know just how incredible you’re doing. When you find yourself feeling alone, perhaps as you rock your baby in the middle of the night, as you cuddle your toddler to sleep, as you wonder whether you can handle another diaper blowout, as you work through guilt and agonize over little missteps, just remember, I see you. I am sending you all the love, hugs, and support. There will be days when you are killing it as a mom and there will be days when you’ll feel like it nearly kills you. Regardless, I am cheering you on. You’re doing great! You got this!