Wellness Is Possible

MARIA VAUGHT

Maria is a wife, a new (stay-at-home) mom, and a psychologist. When she isn't performing daily work, you'll find her enjoying all the baby snuggles, spending quality time with her family and friends, reading, or writing. She believes in the power of words and therefore, writes with the desire to inspire.

Those were the darkest days. 

The storm was never going to end. I was stranded in the ocean of depression. I was drowning in hopelessness. There was no shore in sight, just impending doom. And I wished the end would just come because really, what else is there but waves upon waves of sadness, of emptiness?

The years when severe clinical depression took over my life felt the most terrifying and isolating experience ever. I distinctly remember the moment when I realized I was mentally and emotionally unwell. I woke up with red-rimmed and puffy eyes, remnants of the endless tearfulness from the day before. As soon as my feet hit the ground, the tears began falling again, as if they never truly went away in the hours I slept. This realization led to a sob. All the feelings threatening to consume my entire being for weeks caught up with me, reminding me they had not loosened their grip, and I was still their captive. I remember it being a nice day. The sun shone through the windows, but darkness wrapped around me. It followed me day in and day out. 

Eventually, there came a point where I couldn’t remember the last time I didn’t feel empty and hopeless. Each day was a battle, although I wasn’t exactly fighting. I went through the motions, I let the tears fall. I was as fragile as I could be; I lost my entire identity. I was suffocating every day, but there were days when I secretly wished that the breath I just took was the last one I’ll ever take. 

I am so glad it was not. I am so grateful that I am here, at this very moment, conscious of every breath I take as my fingers type out these words. I want you to know just how wrong I was to think that achieving wellness was not possible. I learned, and I continue to learn every day that while depression is very real regardless of how you experience it versus others, the darkness that it cloaks you with also has the power to blind you from seeing the fact that depression also lies. It lied to me. It made me believe in my very core that I was worthless and there was no way out, that I couldn’t possibly delight in life ever again. 

Perhaps depression is lying to you too. Perhaps at this very moment you are convinced this is it. You are stuck in your own storm, in your own ocean of depression. Perhaps you are tired of fighting, you are ready to give up, and you just don’t see joy as a possibility. I get it. I really, really do. But I need you to know, wellness is possible. No, it won’t magically come overnight. I cannot promise you when exactly it will all feel better, but I can promise you that it can, and it will. I can also promise you it won’t be easy, but I promise you that you are fully capable of achieving all the things depression tells you that you can’t, whether that is hope for the future, being enough, being worthy of love, having a place in this world, or even just the mere energy to not just exist but to actually live. 

In my journey in overcoming my darkest days, I ended up finding myself sitting across a psychiatrist as we discussed a treatment plan. One that is tailored to my needs and goals. It felt intimidating at first but after that intake appointment, I was determined to dedicate myself to that plan. I’ve always thrived with structure and clear expectations, and it felt relieving to know that as uncertain as I was with everything going on in my life at that time, there was finally something I can hold onto. It felt like a life raft. The moment I climbed on it, I was still out of breath, I was still so exhausted. But for the first time in a long time, I felt safe. I was no longer drowning. The more I followed the treatment plan and put in the work even outside my allotted weekly hour inside a therapist’s office, the more hopeful I became that wellness was possible. Eventually, the shore did come into view and I made it to dry land. And while, to this day, depression looms from time to time, I know now that I am strong enough to battle the storms. 

You are too.

I share my story not to convince you that your only path to wellness is seeking professional help. While it played the biggest role in mine, and I will forever encourage anyone to give it a try, it was really a culmination of multiple things starting with making every attempt to stifle the lies depression whispers in my ear. I was very fortunate to have people in my corner who gathered and showed up for me to begin this process. I sincerely hope you have such people too. And whether you do, or you don’t, I want you to know that I am in your corner. I see you, and I am so sorry you are hurting right now. 

When you find yourself succumbing to the lie that wellness is not possible, that you have no way out of all the despair, know this: you are not alone in your battle, and you are worth fighting for. Asking for help is not weakness, it is strength in itself. Find your life raft. I promise it’s there. Depression doesn’t have to win. You already possess the light that will help you find your way out the dark. So, keep going even when you feel utterly hopeless and empty and sad. Great, big, beautiful things are in store for you, but you need to stick around long enough to find and experience them. I sure did. You will too.