Sitting with hard emotions.
BY MELISSA GILLESPIE
Melissa Gillespie is a high school counselor with a background in bereavement, Harry Potter marathons, and tutu dance parties, with an affinity for all things pizza and Disneyland. She lives in Los Angeles, CA with her husband and can be found online at gillespiemelissa.com or on Twitter @themelgillespie.
I’m going to state the obvious. You ready?
Feelings are hard.
Sometimes, during global pandemics when anyone around the world could get sick or infected and you’re stuck alone in your house, feelings are really hard. And then, when protests are in the streets and people are dying, they’re really really hard. And then, when you don’t know the best way forward, but you know it’s NOT the way of your great aunt on Facebook, you just feel stuck.
Add in family dynamics, relationships, loss, natural disasters, politics no matter your views, negative news cycles, insensitive people… See what I mean? Sometimes it all just feels heavy.
But here’s the thing about hard feelings… they matter. As writer and activist Glennon Doyle says, having big feelings, “means you’re paying attention.” Sometimes feelings are there to remind us what matters, what we need, and what is worth fighting for. They can provide direction as well as an increased need for carbs and sweatpants.
Hard feelings look different for everyone. For some, it’s paralyzing; you feel like your brain is put on pause from too many thoughts flying around. For some, it can manifest as physiological symptoms: headaches, stomachaches, fatigue, insomnia.
For others, it can feel like your feelings are expressed outside of your body before you even have the chance to process them internally. You cry at the drop of a hat, you lash out when your partner makes you decide what to eat for dinner, an email at work that you’d normally let roll off your back now weighs you down.
Personally, I tend to go numb, as if my soul has been injected with novocain. I feel the pressure but have a hard time processing the trauma my body is experiencing. I withdraw, drink wine, cry at puppy commercials on television. But I have some tricks for the hard times:
ONE: I have texts with friends where we rate our days on scales of OK; sometimes the range is 1 to 100 and sometimes 1 to 7. We celebrate any measurement of growth. A tenth of a point makes the difference in gymnastics at the Olympics and even more so in the “I got this” Olympics. You moved from a 3.5 to a 3.6? Atta girl!
TWO: Gratitude lists go a long way when things are hard. Even if it’s only one thing the first time you sit down, the fact that you sat down to try, that counts. The next time, maybe you’ll get two things. And they don’t have to be big or life changing; it can be as small as sitting on your patio, getting mail, or having leftover pizza in the fridge.
THREE: Give back. When you’re feeling down, your mood can be boosted by doing something good for someone. Search for local volunteer opportunities or causes you want to support. There are always ways to help.
FOUR: Talk to someone you trust. It can be a therapist or a partner, a best friend or a parent. It could even be yourself, by putting words in a journal, writing your feelings to release them and process them. You could also record voice notes to yourself and choose whether or not to keep them or delete them.
I will say that there is a caveat. When feelings become so much that you can’t maintain your own safety, you must reach out. In dire cases, call 911. In those less dire, call a crisis hotline, your therapist, or a best friend. Make sure that you are safe and don’t feel like you have to feel things alone. Get help to process. There is no shame in saying you can’t do it alone.
Keep feeling. Keep processing. Keep paying attention.